Tuesday

Aries (March 21-April 19)
You'll wake up with a sore neck and try to take the day off, but because you used up all of your sick days on a snow trip in October last year, you have to go to work. While lunging for a tram you're going to be struck by a distracted cyclist which will unkink your neck. Take the good with the bad, baby.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Your bull-like nature leads you to gorge on hotel buffets five days out of seven. Because of this you have a svelte yet plump figure, prompting unwarranted calls of 'hey fatso' from passers-by. Shake it off, and go line up for the Hilton. I hear their breakfast is out of this world.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Quit stealing other people's pens.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
I heard that if you look into a mirror and say 'hotdogs' three times, a miniature dachshund is going to violently attack your ankles the next time you go running. Don't say you weren't warned.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Birds of a feather flock together, and if you continue eating toast slathered with jams in the same manner no one is going to come to your bat mitzvah. No one.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Touching other people's butts on the train is a no-no. Touching your own butt on the train is also a no-no, albeit not quite as intrusive. Choose wisely.

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
So this one time I was talking to my friend about sloths and she said that they're really vicious if you provoke them and I was all like, 'no Becky they're totally not vicious at all' and so I leaned over and petted the sloth we were discussing and it savaged my fingers but like totally slowly and now I can only type with my index fingers because THAT'S ALL THE FINGERS I HAVE LEFT.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
If you own an iPhone, and you upgrade to the newest iPhone, have you ever noticed that the iPhone you had before is now the ugliest thing you've ever seen? If this resonates with you, shallow Scorpio, then it's recommended that you go and read all you can about capitalism and consumerism, and then write a three page essay on the merits of recycling.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Make a small broth from the offcuts of carrots. Sup upon it, while contemplating the pros and cons of henna. Convert to veganism, preach loudly about the usurpers in the fields, and then fall upon a small faggot of sticks while wailing and gnashing your teeth. You will meet the person of your dreams at this moment. Ignore them, they love that shit.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
On this day of days, wear only things that are purple, and speak only with your hands. You will encounter a small amount of resistance from the people, but you must forge your own path.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
You will find that a small tin of anchovies perfectly satisfies your hunger today.

Pisces ( Feb 19-March 20)
Everyone is wrong, and you are right. Keep telling yourself that and eventually you will undergo a metamorphosis into such a cunt that you will make Mussolini appear as though he were but a sweet flower girl at your Aunt Bessie's wedding.