Wednesday

Aries (March 21-April 19)
You claim that Martha Stewart is your spirit animal, and yet you always look like a ratchet mess. A bunch of cupcakes does not a tidy bitch make, and you would do well to remember that.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Caught with your pants down again, eh Taurus? It's only the third instance this month, so don't worry too much about it. Just make sure you do the right thing this time: remove them entirely and run bare-assed across the nearest park whooping and shrieking.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Quitting smoking? Try eating a stick of butter. If that doesn't quite cut it for your cravings you could drink a pint of unstrained deep fat fryer oil. You'll find that your urge to scoff down a durrie will vanish in no time.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Someone has been watering your houseplants. Get it? Like coming into your house and sprinkling water all over your dry, neglected house plants. No, they're not doing you a favour -- someone has been fucking your wife.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Baby steps is the only way for you to move forward. Your fear of paper cuts has held you back from a career as a postman so far, but 2015 is your year. Make it so.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
When performing the ransom exchange with the baddies for your kidnapped child tonight you'll find that a suitcase full of Clag Glue weighs the same as a million clams. Act accordingly.

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Wear some saggy undies tonight. You're going to get some.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Your horrorscope comes in the form of a Haiku:
Your penchant for some
Tequila shots will lead to 
Puking on the bar

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
If you could use your 'inside voice' every once in a while you might find that people would be more willing to share their pudding with you. Look into some courses on vocal control and you may see more of those sweet desserts landing in your bowl. A metaphor? Perhaps. Regardless, could you please just keep your fucking voice down?

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
The fourth phone call you get today will be auspicious. Also, stop reading so much into every text message you get. If he wants to talk to you he will make the time.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Every little thing you do is magic, and it's advisable that you get checked for STIs, because that midget named Magic that you fucked the other night thinks he has chlamydia.

Pisces ( Feb 19-March 20)
Don't fight it. You're going to be so much happier when you realise that no one actually gives a shit about what you do. Shave your head, shave your asshole, but remember - no one gives a fuck except you.