Aries (March 21-April 19)
You know the fermenting craze that's taken the world by storm of late? Today you could try fermenting something of your own. Perhaps some of your dreams. Try seeing if your dreams grow a little better if you siphon some of them out and put them into a petrie dish under your bed. You could feed them with whispers of hopes and love every night, and stroke them with the tippy tip of your finger. (This is an obvious metaphor for masturbating into a sock, and then crying into a t-shirt that belonged to your ex. Feed your dreams, my love, feed them.)
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Replace your housemate's dildo with a carrot.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Buy a baby-sized watermelon today. Put it into a baby-sized shirt and a baby-sized pair of baby pants, and then put it into a baby-sized pram and wheel your baby melon around the cities of the world. Bonus points for you, dear friend if you do any of the following:
a) Get a passport for your melon child
b) Buy a smaller, but equally adorable melon (perhaps a canteloupe?) and get a double pram for your infants. Tell everyone the melons have different fathers.
c) Breastfeed your melon in public. With your... melon. Heh.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Invest all of your time and money into creating a Louis C.K. fan-art film. Your story will focus on a poor but stoic Chinese-Australian comedy busker named James whose single dream is to make it as a Louis C.K. impersonator. Follow his dreams all the way to the illustrious stages of Melbourne's inner west where we see James finally realise his one true life goal: A supporting spot at the West Footscray Football Club's comedy night where he does his full three and a half minutes of skit work to an enraptured crowd of seven. Make sure your film is full of the Ken Burn effect for added melodrama.
Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
There's only one obvious thing left to aspire to with your life, after all, you've done it all, man. You've chugged the water of a bong, slapped your missus around, gotten arrested for possession and done some pretty sick burnouts... Yes, there's really only one thing left to do: Get shredded for Stereo.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Buy some headscarves and streamers and tie them to the handlebars of your bike. Now go and collect your bike mates, form a gang and ride around the streets of your neighbourhood pretending that you're the perky yet tough girls from the movie Now and Then. Put pudding-filled water balloons into your empty bra to create greater breast surface area, as pudding has a firmer and more realistic texture.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Invent a heartbreakingly frustrating App that works by randomly opening an up up as PornHub. Ensure it is ridiculously difficult to uninstall. Install it onto your best mate's phone. That way, when they attempt to log onto Facebook for some mid-crap lurking, they'll instead find themselves with some nice DP opening up. Meh, then maybe they wouldn't mind -- swap the mid crap lurk for a mid crap jerk. The real fun will come when they have to use their phone in a meeting at work.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Buy a pair of Skins, Nike runners and move to Prahran or whatever the city equivalent is in your home town. Begin marauding around town with the boot of your Range Rover full of crates of Veuve champagne and change your name to Bunny. The icing on the nose full of cocaine is going to be your cheating husband. Find him and cease having sex with him as soon as possible. Your WASP dreams are coming true, Bunny! You're almost at the advanced stage where you start neglecting your children and drinking before 10am.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE! (you have your period, don't you?)
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Write some goddamn words onto some goddamn paper and post it to your goddamn grandma you lazy postal service-averse turd. She doesn't have Skype.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Get that gormless look off your face, stop moping around and get some shit done. That's right, get up out of bed, put on your sassiest t-shirt and put on 'Sex On The Beach' and if you're not in a good mood by the time that song is finished playing then perhaps it might be better if you go back to bed after all.
Pisces ( Feb 19-March 20)
Try doing the cryptic crossword this weekend over breakfast. If, despite your trying, you cannot figure it out, then do the next best thing and try to make as many swear words as you can fit into those little squares. Hey, and guess what? If you do the crossword sitting at a cafe, people will think you're sophisticated and smart; it doesn't matter if you're writing the words 'titwank' at a crossroads between with 'bukkake' and 'wet-dream' - you're doing the crossword here people!!
February 9, 2015
February 6, 2015
Friday
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Today you will meet a man with a cartoonishly large penis. He is a Columbian aid worker who goes by the name Gran Polla, but his real name is Manuel DiMarco Merguez. He is here on a mission to help the underprivileged street dogs of the world, and his cartoonishly large penis has nothing to do with anything. I just thought it was pretty cool that he's packing such a large donk.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You gain an inordinate amount of pleasure from opening a cupboard door and finding the pots and pans arranged in order of size, all stacked upon each other. You also enjoy the other simple pleasures in life, like putting a USB in the right way the first time, putting a plug in a socket by feel alone, and jerking off and not getting any on your sheets. Bullseye, baby.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Today is a day for some urban scrumping. On your walk to or from work, school or jail you should make a point of frolicking past a rosemary bush, apple or apricot tree. Gather a huge amount of contraband urban goods and then take them home, smug and satisfied in your society sanctioned theft.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Tell all and sundry that you believe that our Tone Abbott is the one true god and messiah. Make a huge fucking deal out the fact that Maladaptive Turnbull is actually a damn JUDAS and that you believe that holy retribution is nigh for all the non-believers. Shun them. For extra measure, make thyself a sandwich board and take to the streets with some kind of noise maker. A kazoo will do in a pinch.
Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Go into Coles and locate aisle five. Litter the area surrounding yourself with packets of Iced Vo-Vos and then lie down on the floor in the middle of the biscuits, and begin throwing a tanty of massive proportions. Beat your fists on the floor and wail that you want your mammy. If and when store security come, insist that you are five years old and that your mammy wouldn't let you have any bikkies. When they throw you out of the store, proposition one of the security guards for a date. At this point they may use force. You'll do anything to be held, won't you?
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
With Laneway and the St Kilda fest on, as well as various events around the country and world (let's face it, Drake is always out there somewhere), your mission for the weekend is this: you must blag your way into as many backstage areas as possible. You need to use as much ingenuity and as many falsehoods as possible. Lie heroically and always with maximum conviction; your blaggers pack demands that you pack some high vis and forged VIP press passes. Lug a huge amount of camera gear or hang out with some good looking people and try to pass yourself off as one, but no matter what you do you must prove that you were there: with a photograph, some tour memorabilia, a sweat towel, some contraband, a huge hangover or just an STI.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
You will abandon your studies in medicine to pursue your lifelong dream of owning a dog grooming store. You will call your shop The Poncy Pooch, and you will immediately and always have a huge clientele of well-to-do ladies who just love what you do with their darling poodle's unruly - and until now, untameable - coat. Develop an affair with one of your clients, a Mrs P. Pemgrove, who is unsatisfied with her loveless marriage. Tell her she's beautiful, she needs to hear that kind of stuff.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Eat only things that are high in oil content today. Coconuts, mackerel, coconut oil, mackerel oil. Tomorrow (or possibly tonight, o ye of the gloriously fast bowels) you will do the most magnificent poo that you or any human being before or since has or will ever do. You will at this moment know that you have reached the apex of life. Wipe, and at once you will find that you actually floating two feet off the bowl.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Compose a heartfelt letter to every member of the Backstreet Boys asking them why they never actually took the logical next step of start calling themselves the Backstreet Buoys and adopting a pirate-style twist to add to their bad boy image? You just feel that it was a missed opportunity and you wanted to draw it to their attention, as you think that it may have gone some way towards reviving their flagging career after the success and subsequent loss of interest following the release of Black & Blue. Hmm, yeah, yeah baby/ please try to forgive me/ Stay here don't put out the glow/ Hold me now don't bother if every minute it makes me weaker/ You can save me from the man that I've become, oh yeah.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
You're going to go to a house party this weekend. Someone at the party is going to regale everyone with this hilarious story about how they puked up all the tequila shots they'd just done and felt heaps better and everyone is going to laugh except for you because that person is going to puke into your shoes. Beware the spew shoe.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Going out this weekend? Opt for a cheeky colostomy bag/catheter combo to make popping the pingers all weekend that soupçon easier. No one likes having the urge to piss every five fucking minutes, after all.
Pisces ( Feb 19-March 20)
For your own special brand of hell today, listen to the One Direction version of Teenage Dirtbag on repeat.
Today you will meet a man with a cartoonishly large penis. He is a Columbian aid worker who goes by the name Gran Polla, but his real name is Manuel DiMarco Merguez. He is here on a mission to help the underprivileged street dogs of the world, and his cartoonishly large penis has nothing to do with anything. I just thought it was pretty cool that he's packing such a large donk.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You gain an inordinate amount of pleasure from opening a cupboard door and finding the pots and pans arranged in order of size, all stacked upon each other. You also enjoy the other simple pleasures in life, like putting a USB in the right way the first time, putting a plug in a socket by feel alone, and jerking off and not getting any on your sheets. Bullseye, baby.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Today is a day for some urban scrumping. On your walk to or from work, school or jail you should make a point of frolicking past a rosemary bush, apple or apricot tree. Gather a huge amount of contraband urban goods and then take them home, smug and satisfied in your society sanctioned theft.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Tell all and sundry that you believe that our Tone Abbott is the one true god and messiah. Make a huge fucking deal out the fact that Maladaptive Turnbull is actually a damn JUDAS and that you believe that holy retribution is nigh for all the non-believers. Shun them. For extra measure, make thyself a sandwich board and take to the streets with some kind of noise maker. A kazoo will do in a pinch.
Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Go into Coles and locate aisle five. Litter the area surrounding yourself with packets of Iced Vo-Vos and then lie down on the floor in the middle of the biscuits, and begin throwing a tanty of massive proportions. Beat your fists on the floor and wail that you want your mammy. If and when store security come, insist that you are five years old and that your mammy wouldn't let you have any bikkies. When they throw you out of the store, proposition one of the security guards for a date. At this point they may use force. You'll do anything to be held, won't you?
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
With Laneway and the St Kilda fest on, as well as various events around the country and world (let's face it, Drake is always out there somewhere), your mission for the weekend is this: you must blag your way into as many backstage areas as possible. You need to use as much ingenuity and as many falsehoods as possible. Lie heroically and always with maximum conviction; your blaggers pack demands that you pack some high vis and forged VIP press passes. Lug a huge amount of camera gear or hang out with some good looking people and try to pass yourself off as one, but no matter what you do you must prove that you were there: with a photograph, some tour memorabilia, a sweat towel, some contraband, a huge hangover or just an STI.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
You will abandon your studies in medicine to pursue your lifelong dream of owning a dog grooming store. You will call your shop The Poncy Pooch, and you will immediately and always have a huge clientele of well-to-do ladies who just love what you do with their darling poodle's unruly - and until now, untameable - coat. Develop an affair with one of your clients, a Mrs P. Pemgrove, who is unsatisfied with her loveless marriage. Tell her she's beautiful, she needs to hear that kind of stuff.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Eat only things that are high in oil content today. Coconuts, mackerel, coconut oil, mackerel oil. Tomorrow (or possibly tonight, o ye of the gloriously fast bowels) you will do the most magnificent poo that you or any human being before or since has or will ever do. You will at this moment know that you have reached the apex of life. Wipe, and at once you will find that you actually floating two feet off the bowl.
Compose a heartfelt letter to every member of the Backstreet Boys asking them why they never actually took the logical next step of start calling themselves the Backstreet Buoys and adopting a pirate-style twist to add to their bad boy image? You just feel that it was a missed opportunity and you wanted to draw it to their attention, as you think that it may have gone some way towards reviving their flagging career after the success and subsequent loss of interest following the release of Black & Blue. Hmm, yeah, yeah baby/ please try to forgive me/ Stay here don't put out the glow/ Hold me now don't bother if every minute it makes me weaker/ You can save me from the man that I've become, oh yeah.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
You're going to go to a house party this weekend. Someone at the party is going to regale everyone with this hilarious story about how they puked up all the tequila shots they'd just done and felt heaps better and everyone is going to laugh except for you because that person is going to puke into your shoes. Beware the spew shoe.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Going out this weekend? Opt for a cheeky colostomy bag/catheter combo to make popping the pingers all weekend that soupçon easier. No one likes having the urge to piss every five fucking minutes, after all.
Pisces ( Feb 19-March 20)
For your own special brand of hell today, listen to the One Direction version of Teenage Dirtbag on repeat.
February 5, 2015
Thursday
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Using only masking tape, create a life-sized model of your own hand, and then use it to scratch your own butt. The satisfaction will be immense. Other options include fashioning replica arms with paper clips and then using the arms to dress yourself, or you could try sculpting busts of yourself or co-workers using only Blu-Tac. Pose them around the office. You will gain much satisfaction from this.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Time travel back into the year 1993. Rent the move Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure on VHS from your local Video Ezy. Take it home, where you will slot it into your brand new VHS player. Put on your most tubular and gnarly outerwear (most of which you will be pleasantly surprised to discover is purple and green and has T-Rexes on it) and then smoke some fine ganja. Get suitably ripped, consume nachos, play on your Gameboy for a while and then send someone a letter on your finest stationery.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Dress up as Prince circa Purple Rain and roam the streets offering a full body massage to anyone who can out-impersonate you in a synchronised dance-off. The first person who can and does, you should marry. Don't ever let a gem like that get away.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Write some J.K. Rowling fan fiction about what would have happened if Hermione had been gay and had a secret crush on Professor McGonagall. Extrapolate about the effect that this secret relationship would have had on Ron's own latent homosexuality and his desire for a certain Mr Potter. Further expound on the theory that Harry's Patronus charm of a stag was in fact a symbol of his raging lust for Ron.
Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Take on a high stress, low pay job at a company you hate. Work there for 6 months. Drink only instant coffee the entire time. Develop a murderous rage that would make Ghengis Khan feel pretty damn inadequate. Go to a funfair and deny yourself the opportunity to go on any rides. Go to a movie that you hate once a week. Chew on Styrofoam the entire time and hire someone to hit you on the butt with a rubber mallet at random occasions. Now you probably know how it feels to be in the marriage of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Make shirts that say "I love Bush" with a picture of George Bush's face on it. Get your grandma to wear one. Take a photo and Instagram it, and use the hashtags: #grandmaknowswhatsup #bushbaby
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Buy an inordinately large mirror and spend vast amounts of time trying on all of your clothes in front of it. Put on music and do a silly little dance in front of it. Buy a pet ferret and train him to attack at the first signs of fear. Put him in a room full of people who are terrified of ferrets. Take your big mirror along to the room where the ferrert scares the everloving fuck out of a bunch of strangers, but watch everything unfold in your mirror. You love your stupidly big mirror.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Catch the tram and make eye contact with everyone. Strike up a conversation with someone. Be interested. Genuinely interested. Be charming, delightful and a real treat to be around. Once you have won people over to the idea that maybe a stranger can be a friend, fart sonorously and get off at the next stop. Touch off, just to further confuse people.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Buy a bag of funsized Mars Bars and try to convince people that they're real-sized Mars Bars. Create an elaborate story about a nuclear meltdown that happened while people were asleep, and that humans have now increased in size. Ignore all signs that point to this not being the case. If you poop your pants while explaining your Chernobyl-type story then just pass that off as a by-product of the meltdown as well.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Some people like to put toilet rolls on the holder backwards, and some people just like to sit back and watch the world burn. Don't be a fucking anarchist and put the gaddamn toilet roll on properly. The sheets feed over, not under. Always, always over.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Save all of your monies and buy a ticket to Burning Man for 2015. Make yourself festival-ready by adopting a new persona that you had a dream about one time. Your new self takes the form of half-person-half-horse. Prance around whinnying and nickering to yourself. Respond well to sugar cubes and carrots. Call yourself Silver Star and insist upon a bridle. You will make many friends at Burning Man, O Silver Star.
Pisces ( Feb 19-March 20)
Dress entirely in leather and lace and listen only to Fleetwood Mac today. You will meet a mysterious stranger. It is a policeman. He wants to boogie with you. Drop acid, and go on a trip with him in his magical wagon (police car). You will learn things about yourself you never knew possible. Choreograph a dance to Silver Springs. Perform it for the adoring crowds on the 96 tram. Love, learn, touch the stars, baby. Stevie would be proud.
Using only masking tape, create a life-sized model of your own hand, and then use it to scratch your own butt. The satisfaction will be immense. Other options include fashioning replica arms with paper clips and then using the arms to dress yourself, or you could try sculpting busts of yourself or co-workers using only Blu-Tac. Pose them around the office. You will gain much satisfaction from this.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Time travel back into the year 1993. Rent the move Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure on VHS from your local Video Ezy. Take it home, where you will slot it into your brand new VHS player. Put on your most tubular and gnarly outerwear (most of which you will be pleasantly surprised to discover is purple and green and has T-Rexes on it) and then smoke some fine ganja. Get suitably ripped, consume nachos, play on your Gameboy for a while and then send someone a letter on your finest stationery.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Dress up as Prince circa Purple Rain and roam the streets offering a full body massage to anyone who can out-impersonate you in a synchronised dance-off. The first person who can and does, you should marry. Don't ever let a gem like that get away.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Write some J.K. Rowling fan fiction about what would have happened if Hermione had been gay and had a secret crush on Professor McGonagall. Extrapolate about the effect that this secret relationship would have had on Ron's own latent homosexuality and his desire for a certain Mr Potter. Further expound on the theory that Harry's Patronus charm of a stag was in fact a symbol of his raging lust for Ron.
Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Take on a high stress, low pay job at a company you hate. Work there for 6 months. Drink only instant coffee the entire time. Develop a murderous rage that would make Ghengis Khan feel pretty damn inadequate. Go to a funfair and deny yourself the opportunity to go on any rides. Go to a movie that you hate once a week. Chew on Styrofoam the entire time and hire someone to hit you on the butt with a rubber mallet at random occasions. Now you probably know how it feels to be in the marriage of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Make shirts that say "I love Bush" with a picture of George Bush's face on it. Get your grandma to wear one. Take a photo and Instagram it, and use the hashtags: #grandmaknowswhatsup #bushbaby
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Buy an inordinately large mirror and spend vast amounts of time trying on all of your clothes in front of it. Put on music and do a silly little dance in front of it. Buy a pet ferret and train him to attack at the first signs of fear. Put him in a room full of people who are terrified of ferrets. Take your big mirror along to the room where the ferrert scares the everloving fuck out of a bunch of strangers, but watch everything unfold in your mirror. You love your stupidly big mirror.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Catch the tram and make eye contact with everyone. Strike up a conversation with someone. Be interested. Genuinely interested. Be charming, delightful and a real treat to be around. Once you have won people over to the idea that maybe a stranger can be a friend, fart sonorously and get off at the next stop. Touch off, just to further confuse people.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Buy a bag of funsized Mars Bars and try to convince people that they're real-sized Mars Bars. Create an elaborate story about a nuclear meltdown that happened while people were asleep, and that humans have now increased in size. Ignore all signs that point to this not being the case. If you poop your pants while explaining your Chernobyl-type story then just pass that off as a by-product of the meltdown as well.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Some people like to put toilet rolls on the holder backwards, and some people just like to sit back and watch the world burn. Don't be a fucking anarchist and put the gaddamn toilet roll on properly. The sheets feed over, not under. Always, always over.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Save all of your monies and buy a ticket to Burning Man for 2015. Make yourself festival-ready by adopting a new persona that you had a dream about one time. Your new self takes the form of half-person-half-horse. Prance around whinnying and nickering to yourself. Respond well to sugar cubes and carrots. Call yourself Silver Star and insist upon a bridle. You will make many friends at Burning Man, O Silver Star.
Pisces ( Feb 19-March 20)
Dress entirely in leather and lace and listen only to Fleetwood Mac today. You will meet a mysterious stranger. It is a policeman. He wants to boogie with you. Drop acid, and go on a trip with him in his magical wagon (police car). You will learn things about yourself you never knew possible. Choreograph a dance to Silver Springs. Perform it for the adoring crowds on the 96 tram. Love, learn, touch the stars, baby. Stevie would be proud.
February 4, 2015
Wednesday
Aries (March 21-April 19)
How many hotdogs do you think you can fit into the front of your jeans? Ok, now take that number and multiply it by 7. That is your lucky number for the rest of the week. When anyone asks you a question, you should wait that many seconds before answering anything. Your hotdog-pants multiplication number is going to bring you the patience and tranquility that you have been seeking.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Take a piece of paper and draw a circle on it. Then add eyes, and a mouth. Then practice tongue kissing your page face. Good. Now take a video of yourself doing the page-face tongue kissing and upload it to YouTube. Call it avant-garde art and sit back and watch the platitudes and likes roll in, baby. Also, take up a new hobby. Something like line dancing. Just whatever it is, make sure you do it ironically.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Teach yourself a new trick, sport, or hobby. Do that trick over and over and over until you get it just right. Keep a journal detailing your progress. Get someone to coach you on your new trick. Maybe even take some classes in your new trick. If your new trick happens to be making papier-mâché ants, then that's great. Do it on the tram, do it while walking through Coles, do it while holding The Craft-inspired séances in the Carlton Cemetary at midnight under the full moon. Whatever it is, once you have become the sensei of your new trick you must teach it to someone else. Good luck, young grasshopper.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Did you know that I know a guy who has a magnet in his finger just so he can fuck with people's minds at parties? How fucking cool is that? You should get one.
Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Go out and read a newspaper article about something topical and then regurgitate whatever you read but pass the opinions and thoughts of the journalist off as your own. It is so, so impressive when you do stuff like that. Make sure you don't include any kind of original thought either, but get really defensive when someone tries to argue your point. You need to believe that what you've read and are saying is the absolute truth. Bonus points if you're taking the content from a news source run by Rupey-Fuckface McMurdoch.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Pencils are the best thing for snapping when you're confused. Imagine the scene: you're sitting at your desk at work. You've got your feet up, and you're idly contemplating life and all its mysteries when at once an email comes pinging through to your inbox -- blammo! You're confused - what does Peter mean by this email?? You spy the HB pencil that is sitting on your desk; you lean forward and grab it to toy with idly when -- double blammo! Another email - an addendum, if you will, comes pinging through from Peter. He's only served to further confuse you. You tense up, and then - SNAP - goes your pencil. Now two perfect halves are clutched in your confused and sweaty fists where before there was just a whole pencil. How satisfying! Confusing, but satisfying!
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Quit your job and go and become a sound effects creator for movies and TV. Your life will be much richer when you spend your days slapping lettuces and slamming doors in the quest for the perfect 'face punch' noise.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
You need to find that person who you were exchanging coy glances with on the tram the other day. Find them by putting an ad in the Missed Connections section of the MX Magazine. Let them know how their distracted stare and their exceptionally loud headphones blaring Kings Of Leon made you feel like you had found your soulmate. Tell them you understand them - tortured soul that they (and you) are. Be very disappointed when there is no response to your ad. Make yourself feel better buying and then crying into a Veggie Burger from Macdonalds, and then order a strawberry shake to treat yourself even though you promised you wouldn't go crazy this time. Exchange glances with someone in Macdonalds. Rinse and repeat, you hopeless romantic, you.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Buy yourself a magazine that you have never bought before. Read it cover to cover, and then when you are done with it, either donate it to a library, mail it to a friend who you think would like it, or leave it in a public place with a note in the front of it. If, perchance, you have bought yourself a pornographic magazine, perhaps consider giving it a wipe first before doing any of the aforementioned things.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
You know that mindfulness meditation shit? Why not give it a go? I think you'll actually get a lot out of it - but make sure you stick with it. Sometimes the darkest hours are before dawn, and sometimes it take a big kick up your own ass to get anything done at all. You're a positive and fucking incredible human being, and I want you to know that you can do ANYTHING that you set your mind to. ANYTHING. You just need to set your mind, and you can achieve it. That, and maybe go and have a wank.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
You would get a lot out of going and attending a dance class. Find a good one in your local area, perhaps a 'No Lights, No Lycra' type affair and go shake your booty. Also, make sure you pack plenty of silent but deadly farts in your booty. Everyone loves to smell other people's farts, they just don't tell anyone. You can open the doors (and your butthole) to opening other people's minds.
Pisces ( Feb 19-March 20)
The world loves a giver. And you are a big giver. Why not think about a way to find greater peace in your life - perhaps some of that pent up aggression would be well served with a boxing class, or maybe you just need to start volunteering your time with people who aren't as fortunate as you. That, or you could train to become a spy; or maybe just decide to be a spy and give yourself some spy jobs. Like eating donuts. That's definitely a spy job. Or is it a cop job? Dammit, being a spy is hard.
How many hotdogs do you think you can fit into the front of your jeans? Ok, now take that number and multiply it by 7. That is your lucky number for the rest of the week. When anyone asks you a question, you should wait that many seconds before answering anything. Your hotdog-pants multiplication number is going to bring you the patience and tranquility that you have been seeking.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Take a piece of paper and draw a circle on it. Then add eyes, and a mouth. Then practice tongue kissing your page face. Good. Now take a video of yourself doing the page-face tongue kissing and upload it to YouTube. Call it avant-garde art and sit back and watch the platitudes and likes roll in, baby. Also, take up a new hobby. Something like line dancing. Just whatever it is, make sure you do it ironically.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Teach yourself a new trick, sport, or hobby. Do that trick over and over and over until you get it just right. Keep a journal detailing your progress. Get someone to coach you on your new trick. Maybe even take some classes in your new trick. If your new trick happens to be making papier-mâché ants, then that's great. Do it on the tram, do it while walking through Coles, do it while holding The Craft-inspired séances in the Carlton Cemetary at midnight under the full moon. Whatever it is, once you have become the sensei of your new trick you must teach it to someone else. Good luck, young grasshopper.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Did you know that I know a guy who has a magnet in his finger just so he can fuck with people's minds at parties? How fucking cool is that? You should get one.
Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Go out and read a newspaper article about something topical and then regurgitate whatever you read but pass the opinions and thoughts of the journalist off as your own. It is so, so impressive when you do stuff like that. Make sure you don't include any kind of original thought either, but get really defensive when someone tries to argue your point. You need to believe that what you've read and are saying is the absolute truth. Bonus points if you're taking the content from a news source run by Rupey-Fuckface McMurdoch.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Pencils are the best thing for snapping when you're confused. Imagine the scene: you're sitting at your desk at work. You've got your feet up, and you're idly contemplating life and all its mysteries when at once an email comes pinging through to your inbox -- blammo! You're confused - what does Peter mean by this email?? You spy the HB pencil that is sitting on your desk; you lean forward and grab it to toy with idly when -- double blammo! Another email - an addendum, if you will, comes pinging through from Peter. He's only served to further confuse you. You tense up, and then - SNAP - goes your pencil. Now two perfect halves are clutched in your confused and sweaty fists where before there was just a whole pencil. How satisfying! Confusing, but satisfying!
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Quit your job and go and become a sound effects creator for movies and TV. Your life will be much richer when you spend your days slapping lettuces and slamming doors in the quest for the perfect 'face punch' noise.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
You need to find that person who you were exchanging coy glances with on the tram the other day. Find them by putting an ad in the Missed Connections section of the MX Magazine. Let them know how their distracted stare and their exceptionally loud headphones blaring Kings Of Leon made you feel like you had found your soulmate. Tell them you understand them - tortured soul that they (and you) are. Be very disappointed when there is no response to your ad. Make yourself feel better buying and then crying into a Veggie Burger from Macdonalds, and then order a strawberry shake to treat yourself even though you promised you wouldn't go crazy this time. Exchange glances with someone in Macdonalds. Rinse and repeat, you hopeless romantic, you.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Buy yourself a magazine that you have never bought before. Read it cover to cover, and then when you are done with it, either donate it to a library, mail it to a friend who you think would like it, or leave it in a public place with a note in the front of it. If, perchance, you have bought yourself a pornographic magazine, perhaps consider giving it a wipe first before doing any of the aforementioned things.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
You know that mindfulness meditation shit? Why not give it a go? I think you'll actually get a lot out of it - but make sure you stick with it. Sometimes the darkest hours are before dawn, and sometimes it take a big kick up your own ass to get anything done at all. You're a positive and fucking incredible human being, and I want you to know that you can do ANYTHING that you set your mind to. ANYTHING. You just need to set your mind, and you can achieve it. That, and maybe go and have a wank.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
You would get a lot out of going and attending a dance class. Find a good one in your local area, perhaps a 'No Lights, No Lycra' type affair and go shake your booty. Also, make sure you pack plenty of silent but deadly farts in your booty. Everyone loves to smell other people's farts, they just don't tell anyone. You can open the doors (and your butthole) to opening other people's minds.
Pisces ( Feb 19-March 20)
The world loves a giver. And you are a big giver. Why not think about a way to find greater peace in your life - perhaps some of that pent up aggression would be well served with a boxing class, or maybe you just need to start volunteering your time with people who aren't as fortunate as you. That, or you could train to become a spy; or maybe just decide to be a spy and give yourself some spy jobs. Like eating donuts. That's definitely a spy job. Or is it a cop job? Dammit, being a spy is hard.
January 23, 2015
Friday
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Every day that you don't think about what happened to Babar is one day that you're closer to recovery. Just remember to keep up the good work with your therapy, and the fact that your dad left your mum and you at around the same time that Babar was horribly murdered by a poacher probably has nothing to do with your lasting commitment issues.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
No one could say that you don't try hard with your outfits. You do. And it's super endearing. Just, maybe stop putting together a pastiche of outfits based on bloggers that you 'admire'. Your look like you've channeled Beaker from the Muppet Show but then decided to go on a normcore binge with a little sprinkling of Bowie for good measure.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Little wonder you're so jumpy today Gemini... You were woken up at the ass-crack of dawn by that raven tap-tap-tapping on your chamber door. Oh no, wait, that was the phone ring-ring-ringing with the news from your doctor that you have Syphilis. Happy Friday!
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Buy a bunch of donuts and a tub of cream and eat the whole lot like it was chips and dip. It'll distract you from your self hatred just long enough to watch three episodes of Bob's Burgers.
Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Listen every Tay-Tay Swizzlington song every written. Write a dissertation about the symbolism in her music. Cry violently, drink a bottle of blackcurrent cordial and then bleach your asshole.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
You will meet a man with an undercut who will try to sell you a half price keg of beer. Buy the beer, and then beat him with his own shoes. He will beg for mercy, at which point you should relinquish control of the keg, but only if he grants you a wish. Wish for more wishes, and then wish that you had never met him. At this point the universe will implode, but you can wish that never happened as well. Then wish for a blue duck. All will be as it should.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
How can a reasonable person ever be expected to choose between hotdogs and beer? Well Aunty America says, 'Don't bother, friend, choose hotdogs AND beer!' And that, children, is why everyone loves America.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Your physical shape has never been better. You're running every day, you're working out at the gym - sweating up a storm... Sure, you could probably stand to bathe a little more, I mean, would twice a week be so unreasonable? Maybe you'd still have your goddamn job if you weren't so fucking shower shy. I'm sick of this Gary - I want to go out someplace nice for once. And would it kill you to do the dishes?
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
This weekend you will meet a girl who will whisper sweet nothings into your ear. She will have a weakness for violets, puppies and Winston Churchill. Her favourite thing to do is to look at memes on the internet, and in your weaker moments you'll fantasise about taking her away on a mini-break. Don't do it man - she's trying to get pregnant and she'll do anything to get a baby. ANYTHING.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
That blue swimmer crab has been playing on your mind, and ever since you saw him floating listlessly in the tank at Wong Chinese Inn you can't get him out of your head. He saw into your soul, and you liked what he saw. You've had fantasies of busting in there and grabbing him out. You'd name him Franz. You could imagine getting him a little tuxedo and taking him to the opera. Maybe even Puccini. Franz looks like he'd appreciate the musical stylings of such an operatic god.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Next week will be the perfect week for a power suit and plenty of loud business lunches. Accessorise with some good old fashioned misogyny and some vile but well intentioned micro-management. If anyone tries to mess with you just snuffle up a cheeky bump of cocaine and then try and fight them. I'll get my people to speak to your people.
Pisces ( Feb 19-March 20)
Powdered Toast Man is your new best friend.
Every day that you don't think about what happened to Babar is one day that you're closer to recovery. Just remember to keep up the good work with your therapy, and the fact that your dad left your mum and you at around the same time that Babar was horribly murdered by a poacher probably has nothing to do with your lasting commitment issues.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
No one could say that you don't try hard with your outfits. You do. And it's super endearing. Just, maybe stop putting together a pastiche of outfits based on bloggers that you 'admire'. Your look like you've channeled Beaker from the Muppet Show but then decided to go on a normcore binge with a little sprinkling of Bowie for good measure.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Little wonder you're so jumpy today Gemini... You were woken up at the ass-crack of dawn by that raven tap-tap-tapping on your chamber door. Oh no, wait, that was the phone ring-ring-ringing with the news from your doctor that you have Syphilis. Happy Friday!
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Buy a bunch of donuts and a tub of cream and eat the whole lot like it was chips and dip. It'll distract you from your self hatred just long enough to watch three episodes of Bob's Burgers.
Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Listen every Tay-Tay Swizzlington song every written. Write a dissertation about the symbolism in her music. Cry violently, drink a bottle of blackcurrent cordial and then bleach your asshole.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
You will meet a man with an undercut who will try to sell you a half price keg of beer. Buy the beer, and then beat him with his own shoes. He will beg for mercy, at which point you should relinquish control of the keg, but only if he grants you a wish. Wish for more wishes, and then wish that you had never met him. At this point the universe will implode, but you can wish that never happened as well. Then wish for a blue duck. All will be as it should.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
How can a reasonable person ever be expected to choose between hotdogs and beer? Well Aunty America says, 'Don't bother, friend, choose hotdogs AND beer!' And that, children, is why everyone loves America.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Your physical shape has never been better. You're running every day, you're working out at the gym - sweating up a storm... Sure, you could probably stand to bathe a little more, I mean, would twice a week be so unreasonable? Maybe you'd still have your goddamn job if you weren't so fucking shower shy. I'm sick of this Gary - I want to go out someplace nice for once. And would it kill you to do the dishes?
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
This weekend you will meet a girl who will whisper sweet nothings into your ear. She will have a weakness for violets, puppies and Winston Churchill. Her favourite thing to do is to look at memes on the internet, and in your weaker moments you'll fantasise about taking her away on a mini-break. Don't do it man - she's trying to get pregnant and she'll do anything to get a baby. ANYTHING.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
That blue swimmer crab has been playing on your mind, and ever since you saw him floating listlessly in the tank at Wong Chinese Inn you can't get him out of your head. He saw into your soul, and you liked what he saw. You've had fantasies of busting in there and grabbing him out. You'd name him Franz. You could imagine getting him a little tuxedo and taking him to the opera. Maybe even Puccini. Franz looks like he'd appreciate the musical stylings of such an operatic god.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Next week will be the perfect week for a power suit and plenty of loud business lunches. Accessorise with some good old fashioned misogyny and some vile but well intentioned micro-management. If anyone tries to mess with you just snuffle up a cheeky bump of cocaine and then try and fight them. I'll get my people to speak to your people.
Pisces ( Feb 19-March 20)
Powdered Toast Man is your new best friend.
January 22, 2015
Thursday
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Sitting at home watching Jurassic Park with the sound off and making all of the dinosaur noises yourself is probably all you should attempt today. Your hangover would make a Roman Emperor blush, and if it so happens that you're not hungover today then beware the weekend.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Happiness can come in many forms. Sometimes it's a sweet looking puppy that you spy on the street, sometimes it's a nice warm wheat bag when you're feeling sore, and sometime it's just a kind word from a friend. For you today though, happiness will come in the form of the perfect dump, followed by a ghost wipe.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
I'd like to collect all of that moisture that you have on your eyeballs into a sippy cup and drink it. I want to drink your tears.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Sweet Cancer, you have an obsession with excellent paper stock. You fondle and touch anything over 120gsm, and sometimes you black out and can't remember anything. Sure, the store clerks at Zetta Florence didn't appreciate that thing you did with the journals last time, and the police didn't want to hear your side of the store, but haters gonna hate. Keep being you.
Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Make yourself late for work in the morning by fastidiously fashioning a model of the Taj Mahal out of your toast and cereal. Instagram it and share it with your seven followers. When you arrive at work, claim that your tardiness was the fault of a wayward seagull who crapped on you as you were leaving the house. As you're telling your story, fall into a dead faint. When you regain consciousness, speak with a cheesy Spanish accent and respond only to Manuel. Bonus points if you're starting a new job tomorrow.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Today you need to hire people to eat vanilla slices for you and then get them to describe the sensation of eating and tasting in detail. Record these people and create a YouTube Channel called Cake Tastes Like This. Become YouTube sensation. Retire on advertising earnings and move to the Bahamas.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Are you going on a road trip soon? It's recommended that you pack lightly: A small knapsack filled with soil, a hotdog bun, two rubber bands and the skull of a mouse will suffice. If you get hungry, you may gnaw on the knees of your travelling companions and you should slake your thirsts with dew from the fields. Dance among the faeries that have suddenly appeared, and don't forget that you took acid this morning. Happy travels.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Today is a day for wearing some shorty short shorts. The good people of the public transport world are really going to be thankful for the sight of one of your balls or labia dangling softly from the bottom of your pants leg. That cheeky flash of flesh is really going to get the weekend started early.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
I want to be on you.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Go to a gig tonight. Claim to know the lead singer. Drink twelve pints of Carlton Draught and then hit on someone who clearly has a partner. Get smacked in the mouth for your insolence. Roll home, masturbate furiously and then fall asleep on your stomach. Wake up and chew down four Berocca and a raw egg for breakfast before going out wearing only a belt.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
You kinda smell like my teenage years. Wild and exciting, with a fair dash of confused lust, misguided confidence and a generous helping of swagger and bravado. Oh, and armpits. You smell a fair bit like armpits.
Pisces ( Feb 19-March 20)
Buy the game Cards Against Humanity. When it arrives invite over six of your best friends, smoke a whole bunch of joints and then play the game while consuming lashings of nachos. Everyone needs their own personal pedestal fan and everyone must wear a hat. Enjoy.
Sitting at home watching Jurassic Park with the sound off and making all of the dinosaur noises yourself is probably all you should attempt today. Your hangover would make a Roman Emperor blush, and if it so happens that you're not hungover today then beware the weekend.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Happiness can come in many forms. Sometimes it's a sweet looking puppy that you spy on the street, sometimes it's a nice warm wheat bag when you're feeling sore, and sometime it's just a kind word from a friend. For you today though, happiness will come in the form of the perfect dump, followed by a ghost wipe.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
I'd like to collect all of that moisture that you have on your eyeballs into a sippy cup and drink it. I want to drink your tears.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Sweet Cancer, you have an obsession with excellent paper stock. You fondle and touch anything over 120gsm, and sometimes you black out and can't remember anything. Sure, the store clerks at Zetta Florence didn't appreciate that thing you did with the journals last time, and the police didn't want to hear your side of the store, but haters gonna hate. Keep being you.
Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Make yourself late for work in the morning by fastidiously fashioning a model of the Taj Mahal out of your toast and cereal. Instagram it and share it with your seven followers. When you arrive at work, claim that your tardiness was the fault of a wayward seagull who crapped on you as you were leaving the house. As you're telling your story, fall into a dead faint. When you regain consciousness, speak with a cheesy Spanish accent and respond only to Manuel. Bonus points if you're starting a new job tomorrow.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Today you need to hire people to eat vanilla slices for you and then get them to describe the sensation of eating and tasting in detail. Record these people and create a YouTube Channel called Cake Tastes Like This. Become YouTube sensation. Retire on advertising earnings and move to the Bahamas.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Are you going on a road trip soon? It's recommended that you pack lightly: A small knapsack filled with soil, a hotdog bun, two rubber bands and the skull of a mouse will suffice. If you get hungry, you may gnaw on the knees of your travelling companions and you should slake your thirsts with dew from the fields. Dance among the faeries that have suddenly appeared, and don't forget that you took acid this morning. Happy travels.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Today is a day for wearing some shorty short shorts. The good people of the public transport world are really going to be thankful for the sight of one of your balls or labia dangling softly from the bottom of your pants leg. That cheeky flash of flesh is really going to get the weekend started early.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
I want to be on you.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Go to a gig tonight. Claim to know the lead singer. Drink twelve pints of Carlton Draught and then hit on someone who clearly has a partner. Get smacked in the mouth for your insolence. Roll home, masturbate furiously and then fall asleep on your stomach. Wake up and chew down four Berocca and a raw egg for breakfast before going out wearing only a belt.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
You kinda smell like my teenage years. Wild and exciting, with a fair dash of confused lust, misguided confidence and a generous helping of swagger and bravado. Oh, and armpits. You smell a fair bit like armpits.
Pisces ( Feb 19-March 20)
Buy the game Cards Against Humanity. When it arrives invite over six of your best friends, smoke a whole bunch of joints and then play the game while consuming lashings of nachos. Everyone needs their own personal pedestal fan and everyone must wear a hat. Enjoy.
January 21, 2015
Wednesday
Aries (March 21-April 19)
You claim that Martha Stewart is your spirit animal, and yet you always look like a ratchet mess. A bunch of cupcakes does not a tidy bitch make, and you would do well to remember that.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Caught with your pants down again, eh Taurus? It's only the third instance this month, so don't worry too much about it. Just make sure you do the right thing this time: remove them entirely and run bare-assed across the nearest park whooping and shrieking.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Quitting smoking? Try eating a stick of butter. If that doesn't quite cut it for your cravings you could drink a pint of unstrained deep fat fryer oil. You'll find that your urge to scoff down a durrie will vanish in no time.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Someone has been watering your houseplants. Get it? Like coming into your house and sprinkling water all over your dry, neglected house plants. No, they're not doing you a favour -- someone has been fucking your wife.
Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Baby steps is the only way for you to move forward. Your fear of paper cuts has held you back from a career as a postman so far, but 2015 is your year. Make it so.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
When performing the ransom exchange with the baddies for your kidnapped child tonight you'll find that a suitcase full of Clag Glue weighs the same as a million clams. Act accordingly.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Wear some saggy undies tonight. You're going to get some.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Your horrorscope comes in the form of a Haiku:
Your penchant for some
Tequila shots will lead to
Puking on the bar
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
If you could use your 'inside voice' every once in a while you might find that people would be more willing to share their pudding with you. Look into some courses on vocal control and you may see more of those sweet desserts landing in your bowl. A metaphor? Perhaps. Regardless, could you please just keep your fucking voice down?
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
The fourth phone call you get today will be auspicious. Also, stop reading so much into every text message you get. If he wants to talk to you he will make the time.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Every little thing you do is magic, and it's advisable that you get checked for STIs, because that midget named Magic that you fucked the other night thinks he has chlamydia.
Pisces ( Feb 19-March 20)
Don't fight it. You're going to be so much happier when you realise that no one actually gives a shit about what you do. Shave your head, shave your asshole, but remember - no one gives a fuck except you.
You claim that Martha Stewart is your spirit animal, and yet you always look like a ratchet mess. A bunch of cupcakes does not a tidy bitch make, and you would do well to remember that.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Caught with your pants down again, eh Taurus? It's only the third instance this month, so don't worry too much about it. Just make sure you do the right thing this time: remove them entirely and run bare-assed across the nearest park whooping and shrieking.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Quitting smoking? Try eating a stick of butter. If that doesn't quite cut it for your cravings you could drink a pint of unstrained deep fat fryer oil. You'll find that your urge to scoff down a durrie will vanish in no time.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Someone has been watering your houseplants. Get it? Like coming into your house and sprinkling water all over your dry, neglected house plants. No, they're not doing you a favour -- someone has been fucking your wife.
Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Baby steps is the only way for you to move forward. Your fear of paper cuts has held you back from a career as a postman so far, but 2015 is your year. Make it so.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
When performing the ransom exchange with the baddies for your kidnapped child tonight you'll find that a suitcase full of Clag Glue weighs the same as a million clams. Act accordingly.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Wear some saggy undies tonight. You're going to get some.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Your horrorscope comes in the form of a Haiku:
Your penchant for some
Tequila shots will lead to
Puking on the bar
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
If you could use your 'inside voice' every once in a while you might find that people would be more willing to share their pudding with you. Look into some courses on vocal control and you may see more of those sweet desserts landing in your bowl. A metaphor? Perhaps. Regardless, could you please just keep your fucking voice down?
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
The fourth phone call you get today will be auspicious. Also, stop reading so much into every text message you get. If he wants to talk to you he will make the time.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Every little thing you do is magic, and it's advisable that you get checked for STIs, because that midget named Magic that you fucked the other night thinks he has chlamydia.
Pisces ( Feb 19-March 20)
Don't fight it. You're going to be so much happier when you realise that no one actually gives a shit about what you do. Shave your head, shave your asshole, but remember - no one gives a fuck except you.
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