Monday

Aries (March 21-April 19)
You know the fermenting craze that's taken the world by storm of late? Today you could try fermenting something of your own. Perhaps some of your dreams. Try seeing if your dreams grow a little better if you siphon some of them out and put them into a petrie dish under your bed. You could feed them with whispers of hopes and love every night, and stroke them with the tippy tip of your finger. (This is an obvious metaphor for masturbating into a sock, and then crying into a t-shirt that belonged to your ex. Feed your dreams, my love, feed them.)

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Replace your housemate's dildo with a carrot.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Buy a baby-sized watermelon today. Put it into a baby-sized shirt and a baby-sized pair of baby pants, and then put it into a baby-sized pram and wheel your baby melon around the cities of the world. Bonus points for you, dear friend if you do any of the following:
a) Get a passport for your melon child
b) Buy a smaller, but equally adorable melon (perhaps a canteloupe?) and get a double pram for your infants. Tell everyone the melons have different fathers.
c) Breastfeed your melon in public. With your... melon. Heh.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Invest all of your time and money into creating a Louis C.K. fan-art film. Your story will focus on a poor but stoic Chinese-Australian comedy busker named James whose single dream is to make it as a Louis C.K. impersonator. Follow his dreams all the way to the illustrious stages of Melbourne's inner west where we see James finally realise his one true life goal: A supporting spot at the West Footscray Football Club's comedy night where he does his full three and a half minutes of skit work to an enraptured crowd of seven. Make sure your film is full of the Ken Burn effect for added melodrama.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
There's only one obvious thing left to aspire to with your life, after all, you've done it all, man. You've chugged the water of a bong, slapped your missus around, gotten arrested for possession and done some pretty sick burnouts... Yes, there's really only one thing left to do: Get shredded for Stereo.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Buy some headscarves and streamers and tie them to the handlebars of your bike. Now go and collect your bike mates, form a gang and ride around the streets of your neighbourhood pretending that you're the perky yet tough girls from the movie Now and Then. Put pudding-filled water balloons into your empty bra to create greater breast surface area, as pudding has a firmer and more realistic texture.

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Invent a heartbreakingly frustrating App that works by randomly opening an up up as PornHub. Ensure it is ridiculously difficult to uninstall. Install it onto your best mate's phone. That way, when they attempt to log onto Facebook for some mid-crap lurking, they'll instead find themselves with some nice DP opening up. Meh, then maybe they wouldn't mind -- swap the mid crap lurk for a mid crap jerk. The real fun will come when they have to use their phone in a meeting at work.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Buy a pair of Skins, Nike runners and move to Prahran or whatever the city equivalent is in your home town. Begin marauding around town with the boot of your Range Rover full of crates of Veuve champagne and change your name to Bunny. The icing on the nose full of cocaine is going to be your cheating husband. Find him and cease having sex with him as soon as possible. Your WASP dreams are coming true, Bunny! You're almost at the advanced stage where you start neglecting your children and drinking before 10am.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE! (you have your period, don't you?)

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Write some goddamn words onto some goddamn paper and post it to your goddamn grandma you lazy postal service-averse turd. She doesn't have Skype.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Get that gormless look off your face, stop moping around and get some shit done. That's right, get up out of bed, put on your sassiest t-shirt and put on 'Sex On The Beach' and if you're not in a good mood by the time that song is finished playing then perhaps it might be better if you go back to bed after all.

Pisces ( Feb 19-March 20)
Try doing the cryptic crossword this weekend over breakfast. If, despite your trying, you cannot figure it out, then do the next best thing and try to make as many swear words as you can fit into those little squares. Hey, and guess what? If you do the crossword sitting at a cafe, people will think you're sophisticated and smart; it doesn't matter if you're writing the words 'titwank' at a crossroads between with 'bukkake' and 'wet-dream' - you're doing the crossword here people!!