Today you will meet a man with a cartoonishly large penis. He is a Columbian aid worker who goes by the name Gran Polla, but his real name is Manuel DiMarco Merguez. He is here on a mission to help the underprivileged street dogs of the world, and his cartoonishly large penis has nothing to do with anything. I just thought it was pretty cool that he's packing such a large donk.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You gain an inordinate amount of pleasure from opening a cupboard door and finding the pots and pans arranged in order of size, all stacked upon each other. You also enjoy the other simple pleasures in life, like putting a USB in the right way the first time, putting a plug in a socket by feel alone, and jerking off and not getting any on your sheets. Bullseye, baby.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Today is a day for some urban scrumping. On your walk to or from work, school or jail you should make a point of frolicking past a rosemary bush, apple or apricot tree. Gather a huge amount of contraband urban goods and then take them home, smug and satisfied in your society sanctioned theft.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Tell all and sundry that you believe that our Tone Abbott is the one true god and messiah. Make a huge fucking deal out the fact that Maladaptive Turnbull is actually a damn JUDAS and that you believe that holy retribution is nigh for all the non-believers. Shun them. For extra measure, make thyself a sandwich board and take to the streets with some kind of noise maker. A kazoo will do in a pinch.
Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Go into Coles and locate aisle five. Litter the area surrounding yourself with packets of Iced Vo-Vos and then lie down on the floor in the middle of the biscuits, and begin throwing a tanty of massive proportions. Beat your fists on the floor and wail that you want your mammy. If and when store security come, insist that you are five years old and that your mammy wouldn't let you have any bikkies. When they throw you out of the store, proposition one of the security guards for a date. At this point they may use force. You'll do anything to be held, won't you?
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
With Laneway and the St Kilda fest on, as well as various events around the country and world (let's face it, Drake is always out there somewhere), your mission for the weekend is this: you must blag your way into as many backstage areas as possible. You need to use as much ingenuity and as many falsehoods as possible. Lie heroically and always with maximum conviction; your blaggers pack demands that you pack some high vis and forged VIP press passes. Lug a huge amount of camera gear or hang out with some good looking people and try to pass yourself off as one, but no matter what you do you must prove that you were there: with a photograph, some tour memorabilia, a sweat towel, some contraband, a huge hangover or just an STI.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
You will abandon your studies in medicine to pursue your lifelong dream of owning a dog grooming store. You will call your shop The Poncy Pooch, and you will immediately and always have a huge clientele of well-to-do ladies who just love what you do with their darling poodle's unruly - and until now, untameable - coat. Develop an affair with one of your clients, a Mrs P. Pemgrove, who is unsatisfied with her loveless marriage. Tell her she's beautiful, she needs to hear that kind of stuff.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Eat only things that are high in oil content today. Coconuts, mackerel, coconut oil, mackerel oil. Tomorrow (or possibly tonight, o ye of the gloriously fast bowels) you will do the most magnificent poo that you or any human being before or since has or will ever do. You will at this moment know that you have reached the apex of life. Wipe, and at once you will find that you actually floating two feet off the bowl.
Compose a heartfelt letter to every member of the Backstreet Boys asking them why they never actually took the logical next step of start calling themselves the Backstreet Buoys and adopting a pirate-style twist to add to their bad boy image? You just feel that it was a missed opportunity and you wanted to draw it to their attention, as you think that it may have gone some way towards reviving their flagging career after the success and subsequent loss of interest following the release of Black & Blue. Hmm, yeah, yeah baby/ please try to forgive me/ Stay here don't put out the glow/ Hold me now don't bother if every minute it makes me weaker/ You can save me from the man that I've become, oh yeah.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
You're going to go to a house party this weekend. Someone at the party is going to regale everyone with this hilarious story about how they puked up all the tequila shots they'd just done and felt heaps better and everyone is going to laugh except for you because that person is going to puke into your shoes. Beware the spew shoe.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Going out this weekend? Opt for a cheeky colostomy bag/catheter combo to make popping the pingers all weekend that soupçon easier. No one likes having the urge to piss every five fucking minutes, after all.
Pisces ( Feb 19-March 20)
For your own special brand of hell today, listen to the One Direction version of Teenage Dirtbag on repeat.
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