Friday

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Every day that you don't think about what happened to Babar is one day that you're closer to recovery. Just remember to keep up the good work with your therapy, and the fact that your dad left your mum and you at around the same time that Babar was horribly murdered by a poacher probably has nothing to do with your lasting commitment issues.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
No one could say that you don't try hard with your outfits. You do. And it's super endearing. Just, maybe stop putting together a pastiche of outfits based on bloggers that you 'admire'. Your look like you've channeled Beaker from the Muppet Show but then decided to go on a normcore binge with a little sprinkling of Bowie for good measure.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Little wonder you're so jumpy today Gemini... You were woken up at the ass-crack of dawn by that raven tap-tap-tapping on your chamber door. Oh no, wait, that was the phone ring-ring-ringing with the news from your doctor that you have Syphilis. Happy Friday!

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Buy a bunch of donuts and a tub of cream and eat the whole lot like it was chips and dip. It'll distract you from your self hatred just long enough to watch three episodes of Bob's Burgers.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Listen every Tay-Tay Swizzlington song every written. Write a dissertation about the symbolism in her music. Cry violently, drink a bottle of blackcurrent cordial and then bleach your asshole.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
You will meet a man with an undercut who will try to sell you a half price keg of beer. Buy the beer, and then beat him with his own shoes. He will beg for mercy, at which point you should relinquish control of the keg, but only if he grants you a wish. Wish for more wishes, and then wish that you had never met him. At this point the universe will implode, but you can wish that never happened as well. Then wish for a blue duck. All will be as it should.

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
How can a reasonable person ever be expected to choose between hotdogs and beer? Well Aunty America says, 'Don't bother, friend, choose hotdogs AND beer!' And that, children, is why everyone loves America.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Your physical shape has never been better. You're running every day, you're working out at the gym - sweating up a storm... Sure, you could probably stand to bathe a little more, I mean, would twice a week be so unreasonable? Maybe you'd still have your goddamn job if you weren't so fucking shower shy. I'm sick of this Gary - I want to go out someplace nice for once. And would it kill you to do the dishes?

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
This weekend you will meet a girl who will whisper sweet nothings into your ear. She will have a weakness for violets, puppies and Winston Churchill. Her favourite thing to do is to look at memes on the internet, and in your weaker moments you'll fantasise about taking her away on a mini-break. Don't do it man - she's trying to get pregnant and she'll do anything to get a baby. ANYTHING.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
That blue swimmer crab has been playing on your mind, and ever since you saw him floating listlessly in the tank at Wong Chinese Inn you can't get him out of your head. He saw into your soul, and you liked what he saw. You've had fantasies of busting in there and grabbing him out. You'd name him Franz. You could imagine getting him a little tuxedo and taking him to the opera. Maybe even Puccini. Franz looks like he'd appreciate the musical stylings of such an operatic god.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Next week will be the perfect week for a power suit and plenty of loud business lunches. Accessorise with some good old fashioned misogyny and some vile but well intentioned micro-management. If anyone tries to mess with you just snuffle up a cheeky bump of cocaine and then try and fight them. I'll get my people to speak to your people.

Pisces ( Feb 19-March 20)
Powdered Toast Man is your new best friend.