Wednesday

Aries (March 21-April 19)
How many hotdogs do you think you can fit into the front of your jeans? Ok, now take that number and multiply it by 7. That is your lucky number for the rest of the week. When anyone asks you a question, you should wait that many seconds before answering anything. Your hotdog-pants multiplication number is going to bring you the patience and tranquility that you have been seeking.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Take a piece of paper and draw a circle on it. Then add eyes, and a mouth. Then practice tongue kissing your page face. Good. Now take a video of yourself doing the page-face tongue kissing and upload it to YouTube. Call it avant-garde art and sit back and watch the platitudes and likes roll in, baby. Also, take up a new hobby. Something like line dancing. Just whatever it is, make sure you do it ironically.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Teach yourself a new trick, sport, or hobby. Do that trick over and over and over until you get it just right. Keep a journal detailing your progress. Get someone to coach you on your new trick. Maybe even take some classes in your new trick. If your new trick happens to be making papier-mâché ants, then that's great. Do it on the tram, do it while walking through Coles, do it while holding The Craft-inspired séances in the Carlton Cemetary at midnight under the full moon. Whatever it is, once you have become the sensei of your new trick you must teach it to someone else. Good luck, young grasshopper.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Did you know that I know a guy who has a magnet in his finger just so he can fuck with people's minds at parties? How fucking cool is that? You should get one.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Go out and read a newspaper article about something topical and then regurgitate whatever you read but pass the opinions and thoughts of the journalist off as your own. It is so, so impressive when you do stuff like that. Make sure you don't include any kind of original thought either, but get really defensive when someone tries to argue your point. You need to believe that what you've read and are saying is the absolute truth. Bonus points if you're taking the content from a news source run by Rupey-Fuckface McMurdoch.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Pencils are the best thing for snapping when you're confused. Imagine the scene: you're sitting at your desk at work. You've got your feet up, and you're idly contemplating life and all its mysteries when at once an email comes pinging through to your inbox -- blammo! You're confused - what does Peter mean by this email?? You spy the HB pencil that is sitting on your desk; you lean forward and grab it to toy with idly when -- double blammo! Another email - an addendum, if you will, comes pinging through from Peter. He's only served to further confuse you. You tense up, and then - SNAP - goes your pencil. Now two perfect halves are clutched in your confused and sweaty fists where before there was just a whole pencil. How satisfying! Confusing, but satisfying!

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Quit your job and go and become a sound effects creator for movies and TV. Your life will be much richer when you spend your days slapping lettuces and slamming doors in the quest for the perfect 'face punch' noise.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
You need to find that person who you were exchanging coy glances with on the tram the other day. Find them by putting an ad in the Missed Connections section of the MX Magazine. Let them know how their distracted stare and their exceptionally loud headphones blaring Kings Of Leon made you feel like you had found your soulmate. Tell them you understand them - tortured soul that they (and you) are. Be very disappointed when there is no response to your ad. Make yourself feel better buying and then crying into a Veggie Burger from Macdonalds, and then order a strawberry shake to treat yourself even though you promised you wouldn't go crazy this time. Exchange glances with someone in Macdonalds. Rinse and repeat, you hopeless romantic, you.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Buy yourself a magazine that you have never bought before. Read it cover to cover, and then when you are done with it, either donate it to a library, mail it to a friend who you think would like it, or leave it in a public place with a note in the front of it. If, perchance, you have bought yourself a pornographic magazine, perhaps consider giving it a wipe first before doing any of the aforementioned things.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
You know that mindfulness meditation shit? Why not give it a go? I think you'll actually get a lot out of it - but make sure you stick with it. Sometimes the darkest hours are before dawn, and sometimes it take a big kick up your own ass to get anything done at all. You're a positive and fucking incredible human being, and I want you to know that you can do ANYTHING that you set your mind to. ANYTHING. You just need to set your mind, and you can achieve it. That, and maybe go and have a wank.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
You would get a lot out of going and attending a dance class. Find a good one in your local area, perhaps a 'No Lights, No Lycra' type affair and go shake your booty. Also, make sure you pack plenty of silent but deadly farts in your booty. Everyone loves to smell other people's farts, they just don't tell anyone. You can open the doors (and your butthole) to opening other people's minds.

Pisces ( Feb 19-March 20)
The world loves a giver. And you are a big giver. Why not think about a way to find greater peace in your life - perhaps some of that pent up aggression would be well served with a boxing class, or maybe you just need to start volunteering your time with people who aren't as fortunate as you. That, or you could train to become a spy; or maybe just decide to be a spy and give yourself some spy jobs. Like eating donuts. That's definitely a spy job. Or is it a cop job? Dammit, being a spy is hard.