Thursday

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Sitting at home watching Jurassic Park with the sound off and making all of the dinosaur noises yourself is probably all you should attempt today. Your hangover would make a Roman Emperor blush, and if it so happens that you're not hungover today then beware the weekend.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Happiness can come in many forms. Sometimes it's a sweet looking puppy that you spy on the street, sometimes it's a nice warm wheat bag when you're feeling sore, and sometime it's just a kind word from a friend. For you today though, happiness will come in the form of the perfect dump, followed by a ghost wipe.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
I'd like to collect all of that moisture that you have on your eyeballs into a sippy cup and drink it. I want to drink your tears.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Sweet Cancer, you have an obsession with excellent paper stock. You fondle and touch anything over 120gsm, and sometimes you black out and can't remember anything. Sure, the store clerks at Zetta Florence didn't appreciate that thing you did with the journals last time, and the police didn't want to hear your side of the store, but haters gonna hate. Keep being you.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Make yourself late for work in the morning by fastidiously fashioning a model of the Taj Mahal out of your toast and cereal. Instagram it and share it with your seven followers. When you arrive at work, claim that your tardiness was the fault of a wayward seagull who crapped on you as you were leaving the house. As you're telling your story, fall into a dead faint. When you regain consciousness, speak with a cheesy Spanish accent and respond only to Manuel. Bonus points if you're starting a new job tomorrow.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Today you need to hire people to eat vanilla slices for you and then get them to describe the sensation of eating and tasting in detail. Record these people and create a YouTube Channel called Cake Tastes Like This. Become YouTube sensation. Retire on advertising earnings and move to the Bahamas.

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Are you going on a road trip soon? It's recommended that you pack lightly: A small knapsack filled with soil, a hotdog bun, two rubber bands and the skull of a mouse will suffice. If you get hungry, you may gnaw on the knees of your travelling companions and you should slake your thirsts with dew from the fields. Dance among the faeries that have suddenly appeared, and don't forget that you took acid this morning. Happy travels.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Today is a day for wearing some shorty short shorts. The good people of the public transport world are really going to be thankful for the sight of one of your balls or labia dangling softly from the bottom of your pants leg. That cheeky flash of flesh is really going to get the weekend started early.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
I want to be on you.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Go to a gig tonight. Claim to know the lead singer. Drink twelve pints of Carlton Draught and then hit on someone who clearly has a partner. Get smacked in the mouth for your insolence. Roll home, masturbate furiously and then fall asleep on your stomach. Wake up and chew down four Berocca and a raw egg for breakfast before going out wearing only a belt.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
You kinda smell like my teenage years. Wild and exciting, with a fair dash of confused lust, misguided confidence and a generous helping of swagger and bravado. Oh, and armpits. You smell a fair bit like armpits.

Pisces ( Feb 19-March 20)
Buy the game Cards Against Humanity. When it arrives invite over six of your best friends, smoke a whole bunch of joints and then play the game while consuming lashings of nachos. Everyone needs their own personal pedestal fan and everyone must wear a hat. Enjoy.