Thursday

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Using only masking tape, create a life-sized model of your own hand, and then use it to scratch your own butt. The satisfaction will be immense. Other options include fashioning replica arms with paper clips and then using the arms to dress yourself, or you could try sculpting busts of yourself or co-workers using only Blu-Tac. Pose them around the office. You will gain much satisfaction from this.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Time travel back into the year 1993. Rent the move Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure on VHS from your local Video Ezy. Take it home, where you will slot it into your brand new VHS player. Put on your most tubular and gnarly outerwear (most of which you will be pleasantly surprised to discover is purple and green and has T-Rexes on it) and then smoke some fine ganja. Get suitably ripped, consume nachos, play on your Gameboy for a while and then send someone a letter on your finest stationery.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Dress up as Prince circa Purple Rain and roam the streets offering a full body massage to anyone who can out-impersonate you in a synchronised dance-off. The first person who can and does, you should marry. Don't ever let a gem like that get away.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Write some J.K. Rowling fan fiction about what would have happened if Hermione had been gay and had a secret crush on Professor McGonagall. Extrapolate about the effect that this secret relationship would have had on Ron's own latent homosexuality and his desire for a certain Mr Potter. Further expound on the theory that Harry's Patronus charm of a stag was in fact a symbol of his raging lust for Ron.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Take on a high stress, low pay job at a company you hate. Work there for 6 months. Drink only instant coffee the entire time. Develop a murderous rage that would make Ghengis Khan feel pretty damn inadequate. Go to a funfair and deny yourself the opportunity to go on any rides. Go to a movie that you hate once a week. Chew on Styrofoam the entire time and hire someone to hit you on the butt with a rubber mallet at random occasions. Now you probably know how it feels to be in the marriage of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Make shirts that say "I love Bush" with a picture of George Bush's face on it. Get your grandma to wear one. Take a photo and Instagram it, and use the hashtags: #grandmaknowswhatsup #bushbaby

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Buy an inordinately large mirror and spend vast amounts of time trying on all of your clothes in front of it. Put on music and do a silly little dance in front of it. Buy a pet ferret and train him to attack at the first signs of fear. Put him in a room full of people who are terrified of ferrets. Take your big mirror along to the room where the ferrert scares the everloving fuck out of a bunch of strangers, but watch everything unfold in your mirror. You love your stupidly big mirror.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Catch the tram and make eye contact with everyone. Strike up a conversation with someone. Be interested. Genuinely interested. Be charming, delightful and a real treat to be around. Once you have won people over to the idea that maybe a stranger can be a friend, fart sonorously and get off at the next stop. Touch off, just to further confuse people.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Buy a bag of funsized Mars Bars and try to convince people that they're real-sized Mars Bars. Create an elaborate story about a nuclear meltdown that happened while people were asleep, and that humans have now increased in size. Ignore all signs that point to this not being the case. If you poop your pants while explaining your Chernobyl-type story then just pass that off as a by-product of the meltdown as well.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Some people like to put toilet rolls on the holder backwards, and some people just like to sit back and watch the world burn. Don't be a fucking anarchist and put the gaddamn toilet roll on properly. The sheets feed over, not under. Always, always over.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Save all of your monies and buy a ticket to Burning Man for 2015. Make yourself festival-ready by adopting a new persona that you had a dream about one time. Your new self takes the form of half-person-half-horse. Prance around whinnying and nickering to yourself. Respond well to sugar cubes and carrots. Call yourself Silver Star and insist upon a bridle. You will make many friends at Burning Man, O Silver Star.

Pisces ( Feb 19-March 20)
Dress entirely in leather and lace and listen only to Fleetwood Mac today. You will meet a mysterious stranger. It is a policeman. He wants to boogie with you. Drop acid, and go on a trip with him in his magical wagon (police car). You will learn things about yourself you never knew possible. Choreograph a dance to Silver Springs. Perform it for the adoring crowds on the 96 tram. Love, learn, touch the stars, baby. Stevie would be proud.